Thanks to those who answered my question before. It is the introduction of my first-year in-class writting essay. I was given 55% for my essay. The intructor said my essay is simple and I personalized too much and words I use are not accademic (I dont understand). I desperately need your advice of how to improve my writing !!
The 2006 WorldCup is coming with an enormous heat. Players from 32 nations intensely practice day-and-night. They are being put in a situation that their legs are running, but nation’s pride is placed on their shoulders. Soccer fans really want to bring the Golden Cup back to their countries. As a huge fan of Brazil, I think Brazil is going to be the next champion due to several reasons.
Words he underlined are “huge, want to, I…”
Thank you
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{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }
What you need to remember when writing papers in college is that the use of ‘me, I, you, us, we, etc’ shouldnt be used. Keep from writing your paper in the First Person completely. Also, the use of smaller adjectives are usually not appropriate for college level writing. Another thing to consider is, is this paper supposed to be informational to the reader, or my opinion? Here is how I would write your last part.
yours… Soccer fans really want to bring the Golden Cup back to their countries. As a huge fan of Brazil, I think Brazil is going to be the next champion due to several reasons.
mine… Soccer fans want the Golden Cup back in their countries. Brazile will be the next champion due to several reasons.
You may also want to expand on your writing as well. For instance, WHY do soccer fans want the Golden Cup back in their countries? Just try to include a little more detail in your writing. If you would like more input, just let me know and I will try to help out some more if I can so just try this and see what he thinks.
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